Today I want to talk about bus drivers. We've had an inordinate number of crazy bus drivers in New Zealand. I don't want to say that the profession attracts lunatics or anything -- I'm just saying, the correlation is there.
The cheapest and most extensive bus network in New Zealand is called Intercity Buses. The only downside of Intercity buses is that the bus drivers are apparently contractually required to provide "commentary" during the ride. At first we were like.. sweet! Bus ride AND tour for the price of one! But then we realized that you pretty much get what you pay for. Typical commentary goes something like this (and I am not making this up):
"Now we're passing through a nice little community called Kaikoura. Kaikoura has a population of about 4,000 people. It's not a very big city... but by New Zealand standards, it is actually pretty big. We're passing a hill over on the right here, and we're about to go over a bump in the road. I'll just get into the right hand lane now... Okay. Now I'll tell you a little more about Kaikoura. Kaikoura is known for its beautiful crayfish. You can get some of these beautiful crayfish at Polly's Crayfish Palace, or from Crayfish 'R' Us on the corner over there. Most restaurants in Kaikoura sell them, actually. Kaikoura has a lot of nice shops and restaurants. Mmm... crayfish..."
It makes me wish that I were a bus driver with a microphone. I would also enjoy
"Now if you look to the left, you'll see a blue car. I really like that color of blue. That's the color I was thinking of painting my bathroom. But then I ended up going with a nice bright yellow. I like yellow, it really perks up the room. It wakes me up in the morning when I'm getting ready for work. Sometimes I'll go to the other bathroom though, if my husband is in that bathroom, and it's just not the same..."
ANYway. So that is a typical bus ride for us down here. But TODAY! Today we got a driver who, I'm just guessing here, graduated top of the class in bus driving school. He first really pissed me off when, while boarding the bus, he told us we were not allowed to get on the bus with any food. Having just spent $50 on groceries, we really did not want to put the groceries with the luggage and have it get all squished. He nevertheless INSISTED, and did not believe me when I said I would not eat on the bus, because apparently I'm 2 years old and can't be trusted with food.
The bus ended up breaking down halfway through our ride. (At this point he further sealed himself onto my shit list by pulling out a sandwich from his GIANT lunchbox while waiting for the new bus to arrive. So much for "no food on the bus.") We milled about for a while, switched to the new bus, and finally continued on our way. When we arrived at our destination, he shouted something to us about our bus connections, but half of us couldn't make out what he said because he didn't turn off the bus before shouting at us. So, after getting off the bus, a bunch of us crowded around him to ask questions. Apparently this was too much for him to handle. He freaks out and screams: "Can everyone PLEASE just give me FIVE MINUTES!!! I've been under a LOT OF PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!" and walks away.
And everyone just stares silently before breaking out into giggles. Wow. I think "I'm under a lot of pressure" is going to be my new response to everything for a while.
Looking forward to being in a place where I have no fucking clue what the driver is saying.
haha, brilliant. I really think I should be a bus driver in NZ. I LOVE talking about random things to people who really don't want to listen (just ask my cohort. . and my clients) and this way the people can't run away from me. PERFECT.
ReplyDeleteI was on the 99 the other night when the bus driver pulled over in some random location, stormed to the back of the bus, demanded some children tell him who their mother was, and had a go at her about their behaviour. Kind of hilarious, kind of crazy. So, there you go . . .bus drivers are stressed back here, too :)
Hahaha. I wish more bus drivers would do that sort of thing. Damn kids. They should all get off my lawn and get a job.
ReplyDeleteAlso - I think you'd make a fantastic Kiwi bus driver. If you ever wanted to run away from your program, I think that would be a good choice for you. ;)
Your bus driver did inform you that Kaikoura means "eat crayfish", no?
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should've got a hire car - then you might have enjoyed the journeys in NZ a little more. Much fun overtaking people around hairpin bends on some of those twisty mountain roads... just too many goddam camper vans chugging along at a lowly 100kmh when you're trying to do 150!!! :D
Love it. I have no idea why, but lately as a joke I've been saying "I'm under a lot of pressure!" Can't remember where it originated though. BUT, I mean come on. Who am I to say I'm under pressure? I don't drive a bus. You guys giggling seemed appropriate ;)
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